Post by Sargon on Feb 23, 2006 0:46:07 GMT -5
This is written by maya, not me. i cannot claim credit for this beacuse this is a work of art, incase anyone wonders who that maya person was.
this appeared in her livejournal that i lsot the address of, a few days after starwars episode 3 came out.
A long time ago, in a galaxy where Maya was completely indifferent: CGI! CGI! CGI!
LUCAS: Look, look what I can do! They all totally look like real spaceships! I don't need humans to make a movie at all! You're all fired, all of you! Fear me, puny earthlings!
OBI-WAN: Right then, it's time to fight General, er... (Ewan nobly controls himself) Grievous.
ANAKIN: Grievous? Seriously?
OBI-WAN: Yes. General Grievous. Seriously. Because that is what his name is.
ANAKIN: You know, if I was evil, I'd want something with a more sinister ring to it. Not that I'm evil. Totally not evil.
OBI-WAN: R2D2, can we make the lifts go up? (His voice blares out to more or less the entire spaceship)
R2D2: It's the future and I don't have a mute button? Harsh, Lucas.
COUNT DOOKU: I will fight you both, Jedi! I am leader of this rebellion, and I could completely have a higher rank, but you see how Duke Dooku would be an unfortunate name, don't you?
ANAKIN: Don't even care. Killing you like whoa.
OBI-WAN: *gets ingloriously knocked out. Everyone still thinks he is cooler than Anakin*
ANAKIN:... I shouldn't kill him, though, should I?
PALPATINE: Go on, you brave, handsome Jedi, you.
ANAKIN: Well, I have been working out. Could you tell?
PALPATINE: Annie, Annie, he's our man, if he can't do it, no-one can!
ANAKIN: You've convinced me. *kills!*
PALPATINE: Good job, you magnificent specimen of manhood, you. Now let's ditch Obi-Wan and run away to - Escape. I mean, escape.
ANAKIN: You must be joking. That's Ewan McGregor you're talking about. Even with the facial hair, he's really dashing. (stuff with lifts. Ending in everyone dangling in midair)
OBI-WAN: Where am I... OMIGOD I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR ONE MINUTE!
ANAKIN: Everything's totally under control. In that we're going to fall to our deaths.
OBI-WAN: I hate kids.
GENERAL CLICHE: Advance upon the Jedi scum, kill them, regret the day they were born, yes indeedy.
ANAKIN: This is so lame. If I were evil, now, I'd chop off all the Jedi hands to hand. Not that I'm evil. Totally not evil.
ANAKIN, OBI-WAN AND PALPATINE: *daring escape!*
GENERAL CLICHE: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes they totally don't realise it was all a set-up. Sweet!
OBI-WAN: You go take all the glory, Anakin, because you're a better Jedi than I am.
ANAKIN: Score!
OBI-WAN: Just don't take off all your ominously black clothing, cover yourself in whipped cream and pose for the tabloids again, okay?
ANAKIN: YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
EVERYONE: God, Anakin, you are one hot piece of ass.
ANAKIN: Well, yeah, I've been lifting weights... Oh, hey. There's my secret wife, to whom I am secretly married. I have to go passionately embrace her behind a pillar a couple feet away from the Senate leaders right about now, because it's a secret.
PADME: Anakin! Good to see you! Here is some great news.
ANAKIN: You're going to wear that costume I bought you?
PADME: I'm pregnant and it is going to ruin our lives!
ANAKIN: EXCUSE ME I NEED TO VOMIT WITH PANIC NOW.
PADME: ...
ANAKIN: WE HAVE SPACESHIPS AND WE DON'T HAVE EFFECTIVE CONTRACEPTION? WTF!
PADME: ...
ANAKIN: Oooh, what great news!
ANAKIN: I think you're so beautiful because I love you.
PADME: No, you think I'm so beautiful because I'm Natalie Portman, and finer than a July day. Ass.
ANAKIN: I had a dream like when Mom died and it was about you and you're going to die.
PADME: Don't be silly. Come to bed.
ANAKIN: No, but - I'm a Jedi - I have prophetic dreams - it's going to happen-
PADME: Off to bed with the silly muffin.
ANAKIN: I HAVE POWERS!
MAYA: So, wait. He sees the future and now he's going to f**k up his entire life and make everything he dreads happen? Oh my God, someone's read Oedipus the King! I'm enjoying this... I must have fever.
PALPATINE: I want you to be my special friend.
ANAKIN: Jedis aren't allowed to do that kind of thing.
PALPATINE: Special representative on the Jedi Council.
ANAKIN: Really? Oh my God, what an honour! I'm not ready!
PALPATINE: Sure you are. You've been working out.
JEDI SAMUEL L. JACKSON: You can't be a Master, though.
ANAKIN: I feel like you don't trust me, here.
JEDI JACKSON: That would be because I don't trust you.
OBI-WAN: Now that you're pissed you weren't made Master, is this a good time to ask you to go against the Jedi way and spy on Palpatine, who you really like?
ANAKIN: *does a very good impression of an angry, vain kid who doesn't understand about moral shades of grey*
AUDIENCE: That's weird. It looks like Hayden Christiansen, but it's acting.
OBI-WAN: ... that'd be a no, then?
PALPATINE: So the Jedi Council asked you to spy on me, huh?
ANAKIN: Oh my God, you can read minds?!... I mean, why would you say that?
PALPATINE: Might I add, the Dark Side can save lives. Like, as a random example, the life of any secret wives you might happen to have lying about. For instance.
ANAKIN: That's interesting.
PALPATINE: This one Sith lord found out how to do it, and then his apprentice killed him. And that apprentice, by the way, was COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ME.
ANAKIN: Huh. You wouldn't think you'd be on the look-out for an apprentice yourself then, would you?
PALPATINE: I can't help myself. You're just so buff.
PADME: Good lord all these politics are just so depressing!
ANAKIN: Weren't you once queen? Aren't you a senator?
PADME: I don't know and I don't care. We never talk anymore, honey. I feel like you don't communicate with me. Are we on the same, like, wavelength here? Am I just a sex object to you? Let's cuddle, baby. We never cuddle anymore.
ANAKIN: Shut up or I'm going over to the Dark Side right now.
YODA: To mangle dialogue, here I am. That Lucas does not care about dialogue, so fortunate it is.
MAYA: Shut up or I'm going over to the Dark Side right now.
YODA: Every emotion you have ever had, to the Dark Side leads.
ANAKIN: Okay.
YODA: No. Seriously. Every emotion. YOU HAVE EVER HAD. To the Wookies, now I go.
ANAKIN: Yeah, okay. Can I go hunt down General Grievous? I promise not to laugh when I say his name or anything.
YODA: No. From the Dark Side, send me a postcard.
ANAKIN: I can't believe they're sending you instead, Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: Yeah, I know, it's hard to deal with, but be patient. You'll be a master soon, and you're the greatest Jedi ever. Way better than me. And you're like a brother to me. And you're a good kid. And you deserve to be sent on a mission. And goodbye, take care of yourself, wrap up warmly, I can totally tell you've been working out. In case I die, I really love you, and I mean that.
ANAKIN: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Think I'm going to go join the Dark Side.
PALPATINE: Well Anakin, I am evil, and you should be evil too. We could be evil together. That'd be wicked cool.
ANAKIN: I'm not quite getting you...?
PALPATINE: It's evil time! For I am evil.
ANAKIN: And so what you're saying is...?
PALPATINE: Evil, evil, evil! And in summary: really evil.
ANAKIN: Omigod! I AM TELLING ON YOU.
JEDI JACKSON: Evil? Palpatine? Are you sure?
ANAKIN: He told me so himself! He said 'evil' like 50000 times!... I'm almost positive!
JEDI JACKSON: Okay, well, good work spotting that, Anakin. If it's all true, when I come back, I might even trust you.
ANAKIN: Can't I come with you? This is my last shot at redemption here!
JEDI JACKSON: Nope. I'm a big fan of the sequels!
OBI-WAN: Fightin' things. Got a dragon. Luck, be a Jedi tonight!
GENERAL CLICHE: Let me agree to fight him one on one! It's more cliche that way! By the way, I have four arms. bi**h.
OBI-WAN: By the way, I'm EWAN MCGREGOR. bi**h.
GENERAL CLICHE: Good point. *eventually dies.*
PALPATINE: Remember I am the only one who can save your secret lovebunny.
ANAKIN: Oh, *spit.*
JEDI JACKSON: It's Killing You With My Purple Lightsaber Time!
PALPATINE: Save me, Anakin! I'm so weak... I'm *really* weak and feeble and unarmed and...
ANAKIN: Dude, according to the Jedi code, we can't kill him.
MAYA: I love it, oh my God, I love it so much that Anakin has all these selfish reasons for what he's doing but because he also tries to be good in his immature way he can't see shades of grey all that well, and Jedi Jackson, a Master, breaking the Jedi code, is a huge deal for him and helps him do what he does! One of the reasons he becomes evil is because he's trying to keep the Jedi code! That's so, so Tragic with a capital T. I love high tragedy. I love the sense of epic here... I definitely must have fever.
JEDI JACKSON: Needs must when the emperor is the evilest thing ever.
PALPATINE: Feel personally sorry for me and don't think about the consequences of your actions because the drama level is high and oh Anakin, do I ever have your number!
ANAKIN: (really selling us the anguished moment of truth) I NEED HIM!
JEDI JACKSON: Where'd my hand go? ... oh, boy.
PALPATINE: I'm suddenly feeling tons better! EVIL LIGHTNING STRIKE.
JEDI JACKSON: Oh shiiiiii... *thump*
ANAKIN: (I'm really buying that now he's all trapped and feels like he has no other choice) Oh my God, what have I done?
PALPATINE: Become evil! Doesn't it rock hardcore?
ANAKIN: Yeees...? May... be?
PALPATINE: Serve me! On your knees, bi**h!
ANAKIN: I liked you better when you said pretty things to me. And when you weren't so creepy-looking.
PALPATINE: Execute Order 66. I have had this planned all along, yes. I am the Emperor Bastard of the Star System Truly Bastardous.
ALL THE JEDIS: *die because they didn't have a cool plan like this one*
EVIL CLONES: Obi-Wan could not survive that fall into deep water! Nobody could!
OBI-WAN: But honestly, I feel fine...
EVERYTHING: *goes straight to hell*
JEDI WEE, WEE KIDLETS: Ohmygod, Master Skywalker, what should we do? ... Why're you wearing that big ominous black hood?
ANAKIN: Today is a good day for the Jedi kindergarten division to die!
MAYA: Now that I don't buy. I love how fast it happened, and how Anakin fell all in a summer's eve, and I'm not sentimental about children, but seriously, seriously. Anakin always felt for people on a personal level, and I don't think he'd be quite ready to murder children he knew with his own hands about an hour after turning to the Dark Side. They weren't a threat. Palpatine didn't even specifically have to egg him on. But, moving right along.
PALPATINE: So now I will become EMPEROR OF EVERYTHING, and a successful INTERGALACTIC JULIUS CAESAR. Any objections? Because if there are any, I say they just won't count.
PADME: You turn your back on politics for just a few minutes to score some blond boy ass, and look what happens.
PALPATINE: Any questions?
*every hand in the Senate goes up*
PALPATINE: Any questions that don't involve my disgusting face?
*every hand in the Senate goes down*
PALPATINE: Well, the Jedi tried to assassinate me.
SENATORS: The Jedi tried to assassinate him by turning him into a mouldy rice pudding? Holy...! Man, we'd better get rid of the Jedi, any one of us could be a mouldy rice pudding next!
ANAKIN: Time to kill more stuff! *eyes glow yellow-red*
MAYA: You know, with his scar and his hood and his glowing eyes, he's really quite attract...
MY FRIENDS: You are never allowed to pick your own boyfriends again for serious.
MAYA: Yes but he's really quite...
OREGANO (I can call him that if I like): Time to be saving Yoda and Obi-Wan.
YODA: For saving me thanks, my Wookie homies!
CHEWBACCA: This whole experience has left me so jaded that I am going to give up my clearly high political status, turn to drink in true detective noir style, and one day while at a seedy bar I will meet a dashing young pirate... I mean, rar.
YODA: To the Jedi temple we must go.
EVERYONE: Guess we'd better listen to him. He's the oldest and wisest wrinkled tennis ball on legs that we know.
OBI-WAN: All I know is that Anakin is totally, totally innocent.
YODA: If your sad delusions you wish to keep, don't be watching the home video.
OBI-WAN: Well that's definitely not him killing all those kids, he never wears eyeliner.
YODA: ...
OBI-WAN: He's a good boy, he is! He's Daddy's good little boy!
YODA: Whatever. Go kill him.
OBI-WAN: He's been *tricked* by the Emperor, duped, he never was the smartest but he was always Daddy's best b... Excuse me, no, I want to live.
YODA: To the Emperor I am going. Anakin you will find by sensing his presence.
OBI-WAN: Sensing Anakin's presence didn't work out, so I'm going to find that hot chick Anakin lives with and romances on balconies and sleeps in the same bed with and kisses behind pillars. You know, the mysteriously pregnant one.
PADME: I'm brooding because I'm not getting any, the Empire is being taken over and I'm getting fired because they think I'm a single mother. Go aw... oh it's you, Obi-Wan, you handsome devil.
OBI-WAN: Know where Anakin is? About so tall, blond, well-defined pectorals, eyes glow slightly?
PADME: He never calls, he never writes.
OBI-WAN: Okay. By the way... this baby you're having, I know, it's a shot on the dark, call me crazy, but - could it be Anakin's?
PADME: Yes, but the next one could be yours!
ANAKIN: Padme, baby, good to see you!
PADME: Is it true that you're an evil mass murderer?
ANAKIN: Evil is a point of view?
PADME: Oh my God, I told you not to watch Interview with the Vampire without me, Little Orphan Annie. You were always way too impressionable!
ANAKIN: Look, if I become Emperor of the Universe will you stop calling me Annie?
PADME: Annie, I feel like I don't even know you anymore!
ANAKIN: Can we go for couples' counselling after I become Ruler of the Galaxy? How about it, baby? I'll buy you pretty things.
PADME: I'd rather have a threesome with Ewan McGregor.
OBI-WAN: Excuse me, I am *right here.*
ANAKIN: Oh my God, are you leaving me for him? Did you bring him or did he stow away?
PADME: I guess we'll never know! Because you are strangling me.
PALPATINE: Yo, Yoda.
YODA: Fight, shall we?
MAYA: I want the Emperor to win. I know he's pure evil, but at least he doesn't abuse the English language.
ANAKIN: You can't leave me like my mother did, Padme!
MAYA: Oh my God, someone really *did* read Oedipus Rex! I forgive them for never having any chemistry. I think I'm going to cry from happiness!
OBI-WAN: Put the girl down and let's fight.
ANAKIN: But what about all those squillions of times you said I was way better than you?
OBI-WAN: I just wanted you to quit with your whining.
ANAKIN: Whining? *Me*? Oh, now it is *on.*
MEANWHILE, BACK ON PLANET NOBODY CARES.
YODA: Defeated I am! Into exile I will go! Useless I will be!
AUDIENCE: NOBODY CARES.
OBI-WAN: *fightfightfight. Looks real pretty* How could you, Anakin?
ANAKIN: I have brought peace to this land!
OBI-WAN: The whole land is being swallowed by lava and its literal hellishness symbolises the hell of the Empire and the devastation of your own soul! Lucas is not all that subtle!
ANAKIN: Well... you should never have let me listen to the rock and roll music!
OBI-WAN: Is it all that safe to be fighting in the sea of lava?
ANAKIN: I don't care. I am an anarchist, I am an anti-christ! I am going to jump over your head to the high ground!
OBI-WAN: I wouldn't do that. Because I have the *moral* high ground. And also, because I am really ice-cool, and despite the fact I have a second to decide in and you mean a lot to me, while you jump I am going to cut off ALL THE LIMBS YOU HAVE.
ANAKIN: (crawling, furious, hideously maimed and defeated) I hate you!
OBI-WAN: Well I loved you, you little brat!
MAYA: *wrings her hands* And at this point I am able to find no mockery, because it really had the ring of conviction that comes with Epic Tragedy (like Paradise Lost! like Oedipus!) and you saw that Anakin hated his teacher and the world and especially himself, and with that really cliched exchange you saw the difference between good and evil, and oh my God, poor Anakin was such a piteous monster, and, and...
MY FRIENDS: Maya, you're about to cry over Star Wars, aren't you?
MAYA: No. Shut up. I hate you.
ANAKIN: *goes on fire* A little help here?
OBI-WAN: Laters.
ANAKIN: *all aflame* No, for serious! Oooh, evil, it does not hurt so good.
DOCTORS: So, Padme's fine and all, but she's dying of a broken heart, just like in a Victorian romance OMG! Who here has read Richardson's Clarissa?
PADME (faintly): Oh la, sir, I do believe I have the vapours.
OBI-WAN: I do believe you're having the babies, actually.
PADME: Well, fortunately I turned my mind away from the collapse of the Republic in time to pick baby names. Luke and Leia. Is my Annie all right?
OBI-WAN: Well, 'all right' is a point of view...
PADME: There's still good in him, you know!
OBI-WAN: It probably got all burned up with the rest of him, actually.
PADME: *dies artistically*
OBI-WAN: And who's left holding the baby? Muggins, that's who.
PALPATINE: Oh my God, my new hot apprentice is so hot he actually WENT ON FIRE!
MINIONS: I don't think that's what happ...
PALPATINE: Never mind, we can fix this, we can fix this! Let's get him a new black robot body! And make it buff!
DARTH VADER: Where's Padme? I mean, sure, she hates me, sure, I'm an evil black robot who tried to kill her, but in my convalescence I've been reading 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' and I want to make this work.
PALPATINE: You killed her. Oh yes, and I'm just THIS EVIL!
DARTH VADER: Noooooooo!
MAYA: Oh, and that 'noooo' was so unconvincing... *sniffs* you just know it's Anakin in there, don't you?
JAR-JAR BINKS: The dead Padme looks *fab*ulous. Who did her hair?
YODA: Okay, split the babies up we must.
OREGANO: 'Leia Oregano' sort of has a nice ring to it, don't you think? And shouldn't we change Luke's surname too?
OBI-WAN: Nah.
OREGANO: But it's an elementary precaution! Surely any idiot would reali...
OBI-WAN: Did you ever *meet* Anakin?
PALPATINE: I love you, you love me, we're an evil family...
DARTH VADER: I'll stand here and brood for so long, but after the credits roll I am going to lie down in my room and listen to my Sarah McLachlan tapes.
C3P0: I'm going to get memory-wiped! Gaaaaaaah!
R2D2: And I am going to know everything, everything, and conceal it from you all. I will be an all-knowing tiny robot GOD! I mean, small cute indecipherable noise!
BABY LEIA: Man, this sure is a nice planet. Shame it'll be blown up in nineteen years. Blown right up, thanks, *Dad.*
BABY LUKE: Don't leave me, Obi-Wan, don't leave me and become Alec Guinness! Surely all the glory that was the Republic and all the fineness that was Ewan McGregor cannot be lost to us!
OBI-WAN: I did mention this was an epic tragedy, didn't I?
this appeared in her livejournal that i lsot the address of, a few days after starwars episode 3 came out.
A long time ago, in a galaxy where Maya was completely indifferent: CGI! CGI! CGI!
LUCAS: Look, look what I can do! They all totally look like real spaceships! I don't need humans to make a movie at all! You're all fired, all of you! Fear me, puny earthlings!
OBI-WAN: Right then, it's time to fight General, er... (Ewan nobly controls himself) Grievous.
ANAKIN: Grievous? Seriously?
OBI-WAN: Yes. General Grievous. Seriously. Because that is what his name is.
ANAKIN: You know, if I was evil, I'd want something with a more sinister ring to it. Not that I'm evil. Totally not evil.
OBI-WAN: R2D2, can we make the lifts go up? (His voice blares out to more or less the entire spaceship)
R2D2: It's the future and I don't have a mute button? Harsh, Lucas.
COUNT DOOKU: I will fight you both, Jedi! I am leader of this rebellion, and I could completely have a higher rank, but you see how Duke Dooku would be an unfortunate name, don't you?
ANAKIN: Don't even care. Killing you like whoa.
OBI-WAN: *gets ingloriously knocked out. Everyone still thinks he is cooler than Anakin*
ANAKIN:... I shouldn't kill him, though, should I?
PALPATINE: Go on, you brave, handsome Jedi, you.
ANAKIN: Well, I have been working out. Could you tell?
PALPATINE: Annie, Annie, he's our man, if he can't do it, no-one can!
ANAKIN: You've convinced me. *kills!*
PALPATINE: Good job, you magnificent specimen of manhood, you. Now let's ditch Obi-Wan and run away to - Escape. I mean, escape.
ANAKIN: You must be joking. That's Ewan McGregor you're talking about. Even with the facial hair, he's really dashing. (stuff with lifts. Ending in everyone dangling in midair)
OBI-WAN: Where am I... OMIGOD I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR ONE MINUTE!
ANAKIN: Everything's totally under control. In that we're going to fall to our deaths.
OBI-WAN: I hate kids.
GENERAL CLICHE: Advance upon the Jedi scum, kill them, regret the day they were born, yes indeedy.
ANAKIN: This is so lame. If I were evil, now, I'd chop off all the Jedi hands to hand. Not that I'm evil. Totally not evil.
ANAKIN, OBI-WAN AND PALPATINE: *daring escape!*
GENERAL CLICHE: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes they totally don't realise it was all a set-up. Sweet!
OBI-WAN: You go take all the glory, Anakin, because you're a better Jedi than I am.
ANAKIN: Score!
OBI-WAN: Just don't take off all your ominously black clothing, cover yourself in whipped cream and pose for the tabloids again, okay?
ANAKIN: YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
EVERYONE: God, Anakin, you are one hot piece of ass.
ANAKIN: Well, yeah, I've been lifting weights... Oh, hey. There's my secret wife, to whom I am secretly married. I have to go passionately embrace her behind a pillar a couple feet away from the Senate leaders right about now, because it's a secret.
PADME: Anakin! Good to see you! Here is some great news.
ANAKIN: You're going to wear that costume I bought you?
PADME: I'm pregnant and it is going to ruin our lives!
ANAKIN: EXCUSE ME I NEED TO VOMIT WITH PANIC NOW.
PADME: ...
ANAKIN: WE HAVE SPACESHIPS AND WE DON'T HAVE EFFECTIVE CONTRACEPTION? WTF!
PADME: ...
ANAKIN: Oooh, what great news!
ANAKIN: I think you're so beautiful because I love you.
PADME: No, you think I'm so beautiful because I'm Natalie Portman, and finer than a July day. Ass.
ANAKIN: I had a dream like when Mom died and it was about you and you're going to die.
PADME: Don't be silly. Come to bed.
ANAKIN: No, but - I'm a Jedi - I have prophetic dreams - it's going to happen-
PADME: Off to bed with the silly muffin.
ANAKIN: I HAVE POWERS!
MAYA: So, wait. He sees the future and now he's going to f**k up his entire life and make everything he dreads happen? Oh my God, someone's read Oedipus the King! I'm enjoying this... I must have fever.
PALPATINE: I want you to be my special friend.
ANAKIN: Jedis aren't allowed to do that kind of thing.
PALPATINE: Special representative on the Jedi Council.
ANAKIN: Really? Oh my God, what an honour! I'm not ready!
PALPATINE: Sure you are. You've been working out.
JEDI SAMUEL L. JACKSON: You can't be a Master, though.
ANAKIN: I feel like you don't trust me, here.
JEDI JACKSON: That would be because I don't trust you.
OBI-WAN: Now that you're pissed you weren't made Master, is this a good time to ask you to go against the Jedi way and spy on Palpatine, who you really like?
ANAKIN: *does a very good impression of an angry, vain kid who doesn't understand about moral shades of grey*
AUDIENCE: That's weird. It looks like Hayden Christiansen, but it's acting.
OBI-WAN: ... that'd be a no, then?
PALPATINE: So the Jedi Council asked you to spy on me, huh?
ANAKIN: Oh my God, you can read minds?!... I mean, why would you say that?
PALPATINE: Might I add, the Dark Side can save lives. Like, as a random example, the life of any secret wives you might happen to have lying about. For instance.
ANAKIN: That's interesting.
PALPATINE: This one Sith lord found out how to do it, and then his apprentice killed him. And that apprentice, by the way, was COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ME.
ANAKIN: Huh. You wouldn't think you'd be on the look-out for an apprentice yourself then, would you?
PALPATINE: I can't help myself. You're just so buff.
PADME: Good lord all these politics are just so depressing!
ANAKIN: Weren't you once queen? Aren't you a senator?
PADME: I don't know and I don't care. We never talk anymore, honey. I feel like you don't communicate with me. Are we on the same, like, wavelength here? Am I just a sex object to you? Let's cuddle, baby. We never cuddle anymore.
ANAKIN: Shut up or I'm going over to the Dark Side right now.
YODA: To mangle dialogue, here I am. That Lucas does not care about dialogue, so fortunate it is.
MAYA: Shut up or I'm going over to the Dark Side right now.
YODA: Every emotion you have ever had, to the Dark Side leads.
ANAKIN: Okay.
YODA: No. Seriously. Every emotion. YOU HAVE EVER HAD. To the Wookies, now I go.
ANAKIN: Yeah, okay. Can I go hunt down General Grievous? I promise not to laugh when I say his name or anything.
YODA: No. From the Dark Side, send me a postcard.
ANAKIN: I can't believe they're sending you instead, Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: Yeah, I know, it's hard to deal with, but be patient. You'll be a master soon, and you're the greatest Jedi ever. Way better than me. And you're like a brother to me. And you're a good kid. And you deserve to be sent on a mission. And goodbye, take care of yourself, wrap up warmly, I can totally tell you've been working out. In case I die, I really love you, and I mean that.
ANAKIN: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Think I'm going to go join the Dark Side.
PALPATINE: Well Anakin, I am evil, and you should be evil too. We could be evil together. That'd be wicked cool.
ANAKIN: I'm not quite getting you...?
PALPATINE: It's evil time! For I am evil.
ANAKIN: And so what you're saying is...?
PALPATINE: Evil, evil, evil! And in summary: really evil.
ANAKIN: Omigod! I AM TELLING ON YOU.
JEDI JACKSON: Evil? Palpatine? Are you sure?
ANAKIN: He told me so himself! He said 'evil' like 50000 times!... I'm almost positive!
JEDI JACKSON: Okay, well, good work spotting that, Anakin. If it's all true, when I come back, I might even trust you.
ANAKIN: Can't I come with you? This is my last shot at redemption here!
JEDI JACKSON: Nope. I'm a big fan of the sequels!
OBI-WAN: Fightin' things. Got a dragon. Luck, be a Jedi tonight!
GENERAL CLICHE: Let me agree to fight him one on one! It's more cliche that way! By the way, I have four arms. bi**h.
OBI-WAN: By the way, I'm EWAN MCGREGOR. bi**h.
GENERAL CLICHE: Good point. *eventually dies.*
PALPATINE: Remember I am the only one who can save your secret lovebunny.
ANAKIN: Oh, *spit.*
JEDI JACKSON: It's Killing You With My Purple Lightsaber Time!
PALPATINE: Save me, Anakin! I'm so weak... I'm *really* weak and feeble and unarmed and...
ANAKIN: Dude, according to the Jedi code, we can't kill him.
MAYA: I love it, oh my God, I love it so much that Anakin has all these selfish reasons for what he's doing but because he also tries to be good in his immature way he can't see shades of grey all that well, and Jedi Jackson, a Master, breaking the Jedi code, is a huge deal for him and helps him do what he does! One of the reasons he becomes evil is because he's trying to keep the Jedi code! That's so, so Tragic with a capital T. I love high tragedy. I love the sense of epic here... I definitely must have fever.
JEDI JACKSON: Needs must when the emperor is the evilest thing ever.
PALPATINE: Feel personally sorry for me and don't think about the consequences of your actions because the drama level is high and oh Anakin, do I ever have your number!
ANAKIN: (really selling us the anguished moment of truth) I NEED HIM!
JEDI JACKSON: Where'd my hand go? ... oh, boy.
PALPATINE: I'm suddenly feeling tons better! EVIL LIGHTNING STRIKE.
JEDI JACKSON: Oh shiiiiii... *thump*
ANAKIN: (I'm really buying that now he's all trapped and feels like he has no other choice) Oh my God, what have I done?
PALPATINE: Become evil! Doesn't it rock hardcore?
ANAKIN: Yeees...? May... be?
PALPATINE: Serve me! On your knees, bi**h!
ANAKIN: I liked you better when you said pretty things to me. And when you weren't so creepy-looking.
PALPATINE: Execute Order 66. I have had this planned all along, yes. I am the Emperor Bastard of the Star System Truly Bastardous.
ALL THE JEDIS: *die because they didn't have a cool plan like this one*
EVIL CLONES: Obi-Wan could not survive that fall into deep water! Nobody could!
OBI-WAN: But honestly, I feel fine...
EVERYTHING: *goes straight to hell*
JEDI WEE, WEE KIDLETS: Ohmygod, Master Skywalker, what should we do? ... Why're you wearing that big ominous black hood?
ANAKIN: Today is a good day for the Jedi kindergarten division to die!
MAYA: Now that I don't buy. I love how fast it happened, and how Anakin fell all in a summer's eve, and I'm not sentimental about children, but seriously, seriously. Anakin always felt for people on a personal level, and I don't think he'd be quite ready to murder children he knew with his own hands about an hour after turning to the Dark Side. They weren't a threat. Palpatine didn't even specifically have to egg him on. But, moving right along.
PALPATINE: So now I will become EMPEROR OF EVERYTHING, and a successful INTERGALACTIC JULIUS CAESAR. Any objections? Because if there are any, I say they just won't count.
PADME: You turn your back on politics for just a few minutes to score some blond boy ass, and look what happens.
PALPATINE: Any questions?
*every hand in the Senate goes up*
PALPATINE: Any questions that don't involve my disgusting face?
*every hand in the Senate goes down*
PALPATINE: Well, the Jedi tried to assassinate me.
SENATORS: The Jedi tried to assassinate him by turning him into a mouldy rice pudding? Holy...! Man, we'd better get rid of the Jedi, any one of us could be a mouldy rice pudding next!
ANAKIN: Time to kill more stuff! *eyes glow yellow-red*
MAYA: You know, with his scar and his hood and his glowing eyes, he's really quite attract...
MY FRIENDS: You are never allowed to pick your own boyfriends again for serious.
MAYA: Yes but he's really quite...
OREGANO (I can call him that if I like): Time to be saving Yoda and Obi-Wan.
YODA: For saving me thanks, my Wookie homies!
CHEWBACCA: This whole experience has left me so jaded that I am going to give up my clearly high political status, turn to drink in true detective noir style, and one day while at a seedy bar I will meet a dashing young pirate... I mean, rar.
YODA: To the Jedi temple we must go.
EVERYONE: Guess we'd better listen to him. He's the oldest and wisest wrinkled tennis ball on legs that we know.
OBI-WAN: All I know is that Anakin is totally, totally innocent.
YODA: If your sad delusions you wish to keep, don't be watching the home video.
OBI-WAN: Well that's definitely not him killing all those kids, he never wears eyeliner.
YODA: ...
OBI-WAN: He's a good boy, he is! He's Daddy's good little boy!
YODA: Whatever. Go kill him.
OBI-WAN: He's been *tricked* by the Emperor, duped, he never was the smartest but he was always Daddy's best b... Excuse me, no, I want to live.
YODA: To the Emperor I am going. Anakin you will find by sensing his presence.
OBI-WAN: Sensing Anakin's presence didn't work out, so I'm going to find that hot chick Anakin lives with and romances on balconies and sleeps in the same bed with and kisses behind pillars. You know, the mysteriously pregnant one.
PADME: I'm brooding because I'm not getting any, the Empire is being taken over and I'm getting fired because they think I'm a single mother. Go aw... oh it's you, Obi-Wan, you handsome devil.
OBI-WAN: Know where Anakin is? About so tall, blond, well-defined pectorals, eyes glow slightly?
PADME: He never calls, he never writes.
OBI-WAN: Okay. By the way... this baby you're having, I know, it's a shot on the dark, call me crazy, but - could it be Anakin's?
PADME: Yes, but the next one could be yours!
ANAKIN: Padme, baby, good to see you!
PADME: Is it true that you're an evil mass murderer?
ANAKIN: Evil is a point of view?
PADME: Oh my God, I told you not to watch Interview with the Vampire without me, Little Orphan Annie. You were always way too impressionable!
ANAKIN: Look, if I become Emperor of the Universe will you stop calling me Annie?
PADME: Annie, I feel like I don't even know you anymore!
ANAKIN: Can we go for couples' counselling after I become Ruler of the Galaxy? How about it, baby? I'll buy you pretty things.
PADME: I'd rather have a threesome with Ewan McGregor.
OBI-WAN: Excuse me, I am *right here.*
ANAKIN: Oh my God, are you leaving me for him? Did you bring him or did he stow away?
PADME: I guess we'll never know! Because you are strangling me.
PALPATINE: Yo, Yoda.
YODA: Fight, shall we?
MAYA: I want the Emperor to win. I know he's pure evil, but at least he doesn't abuse the English language.
ANAKIN: You can't leave me like my mother did, Padme!
MAYA: Oh my God, someone really *did* read Oedipus Rex! I forgive them for never having any chemistry. I think I'm going to cry from happiness!
OBI-WAN: Put the girl down and let's fight.
ANAKIN: But what about all those squillions of times you said I was way better than you?
OBI-WAN: I just wanted you to quit with your whining.
ANAKIN: Whining? *Me*? Oh, now it is *on.*
MEANWHILE, BACK ON PLANET NOBODY CARES.
YODA: Defeated I am! Into exile I will go! Useless I will be!
AUDIENCE: NOBODY CARES.
OBI-WAN: *fightfightfight. Looks real pretty* How could you, Anakin?
ANAKIN: I have brought peace to this land!
OBI-WAN: The whole land is being swallowed by lava and its literal hellishness symbolises the hell of the Empire and the devastation of your own soul! Lucas is not all that subtle!
ANAKIN: Well... you should never have let me listen to the rock and roll music!
OBI-WAN: Is it all that safe to be fighting in the sea of lava?
ANAKIN: I don't care. I am an anarchist, I am an anti-christ! I am going to jump over your head to the high ground!
OBI-WAN: I wouldn't do that. Because I have the *moral* high ground. And also, because I am really ice-cool, and despite the fact I have a second to decide in and you mean a lot to me, while you jump I am going to cut off ALL THE LIMBS YOU HAVE.
ANAKIN: (crawling, furious, hideously maimed and defeated) I hate you!
OBI-WAN: Well I loved you, you little brat!
MAYA: *wrings her hands* And at this point I am able to find no mockery, because it really had the ring of conviction that comes with Epic Tragedy (like Paradise Lost! like Oedipus!) and you saw that Anakin hated his teacher and the world and especially himself, and with that really cliched exchange you saw the difference between good and evil, and oh my God, poor Anakin was such a piteous monster, and, and...
MY FRIENDS: Maya, you're about to cry over Star Wars, aren't you?
MAYA: No. Shut up. I hate you.
ANAKIN: *goes on fire* A little help here?
OBI-WAN: Laters.
ANAKIN: *all aflame* No, for serious! Oooh, evil, it does not hurt so good.
DOCTORS: So, Padme's fine and all, but she's dying of a broken heart, just like in a Victorian romance OMG! Who here has read Richardson's Clarissa?
PADME (faintly): Oh la, sir, I do believe I have the vapours.
OBI-WAN: I do believe you're having the babies, actually.
PADME: Well, fortunately I turned my mind away from the collapse of the Republic in time to pick baby names. Luke and Leia. Is my Annie all right?
OBI-WAN: Well, 'all right' is a point of view...
PADME: There's still good in him, you know!
OBI-WAN: It probably got all burned up with the rest of him, actually.
PADME: *dies artistically*
OBI-WAN: And who's left holding the baby? Muggins, that's who.
PALPATINE: Oh my God, my new hot apprentice is so hot he actually WENT ON FIRE!
MINIONS: I don't think that's what happ...
PALPATINE: Never mind, we can fix this, we can fix this! Let's get him a new black robot body! And make it buff!
DARTH VADER: Where's Padme? I mean, sure, she hates me, sure, I'm an evil black robot who tried to kill her, but in my convalescence I've been reading 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' and I want to make this work.
PALPATINE: You killed her. Oh yes, and I'm just THIS EVIL!
DARTH VADER: Noooooooo!
MAYA: Oh, and that 'noooo' was so unconvincing... *sniffs* you just know it's Anakin in there, don't you?
JAR-JAR BINKS: The dead Padme looks *fab*ulous. Who did her hair?
YODA: Okay, split the babies up we must.
OREGANO: 'Leia Oregano' sort of has a nice ring to it, don't you think? And shouldn't we change Luke's surname too?
OBI-WAN: Nah.
OREGANO: But it's an elementary precaution! Surely any idiot would reali...
OBI-WAN: Did you ever *meet* Anakin?
PALPATINE: I love you, you love me, we're an evil family...
DARTH VADER: I'll stand here and brood for so long, but after the credits roll I am going to lie down in my room and listen to my Sarah McLachlan tapes.
C3P0: I'm going to get memory-wiped! Gaaaaaaah!
R2D2: And I am going to know everything, everything, and conceal it from you all. I will be an all-knowing tiny robot GOD! I mean, small cute indecipherable noise!
BABY LEIA: Man, this sure is a nice planet. Shame it'll be blown up in nineteen years. Blown right up, thanks, *Dad.*
BABY LUKE: Don't leave me, Obi-Wan, don't leave me and become Alec Guinness! Surely all the glory that was the Republic and all the fineness that was Ewan McGregor cannot be lost to us!
OBI-WAN: I did mention this was an epic tragedy, didn't I?
